


One more Light

by AnotherLostSoul (orphan_account)



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Afterlife, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dead L (Death Note), Feelings Realization, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Letters, M/M, On Hiatus, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Pining, Regret, Song Lyrics, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Work In Progress, Yagami Light is Kira
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:41:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26195797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/AnotherLostSoul
Summary: Inspired by the song 'One more Light' by Linkin Park. L's suicide is the catalyst that changes Light Yagami's life, his dreams and Kira's destiny...*updates will be sporadic*
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 20
Kudos: 45





	1. Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> If you are triggered by suicide in any way I implore you please heed the warnings/do not read. This fic is a sad one but there will be a hopeful ending...
> 
> Also, RIP Chester Bennington. One more light I miss very dearly, having been a fan of Linkin Park since my early teens :(
> 
> Always talk to someone if you are feeling low, the world needs you ❤

_**Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?** _  
_**Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?** _  
_**We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep** _  
_**There are things that we can have, but can't keep** _  
_**If they say** _  
_**Who cares if one more light goes out?** _  
_**In a sky of a million stars** _  
_**It flickers, flickers** _  
_**Who cares when someone's time runs out?** _  
_**If a moment is all we are** _  
_**We're quicker, quicker** _  
_**Who cares if one more light goes out?** _  
_**Well I do** _  
_**The reminders pull the floor from your feet** _  
_**In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh** _  
_**And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair** _  
_**Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there** _  
_**If they say** _  
_**Who cares if one more light goes out?** _  
_**In a sky of a million stars** _  
_**It flickers, flickers** _  
_**Who cares when someone's time runs out?…** _

L was secretive. Secrecy was embedded in the very marrow of his bones. It had to be, really, if he was to survive as the world's best _three_ detectives. Because L was secretive, not many people knew the intense suffering he endured on a daily basis or how he had to battle to survive just one more day. 

But surviving was so very _tiring_ , especially when all you wanted to do was close your eyes and give yourself over to a void of nothingness. 

'The Eternal Sleep' was what the Romantic poets dubbed it. Death was what everyone else said. L thought the Romantic Poets were too flowery with their language, but he couldn't deny the phrase held appeal. He was so tired now and he wanted that eternal sleep. 

It was another night in HQ but this night was different because L _would_ sleep tonight. He'd released Light Yagami ( _Kira_ ) after Higuchi's death and he knew his friend/rival was just waiting for the perfect time to kill him. Even now, he was probably at home and using that brilliant mind of his to come up with a new plot, or dreaming of the day he would kill his rival. 

And L would rob him off it, not just to be petty (even though that was a major factor) but because he finally felt _ready_. It had taken a lot of planning and soul searching, but tonight, on his 25th birthday, L was going to sleep. 

He had chosen his heir (he wryly wished the white haired boy well in his new venture) and had written a long, heart-felt letter to Watari in farewell. He had settled his many financial affairs, bequeathed his assets to various charities and organisations and, most importantly, he had secured two bottles of powerful sleeping pills. 

The pills sat before him on the coffee table, their brown bottles shimmering faintly in the moonlight. L reached out a pale, trembling arm and picked one up. This dose was enough to kill him within two hours. His organs would shut down and he would quietly slip away from the world. 

His pain would stop, his obligations would end and he would be free. 

L brought a thumb to his lips and bit down on it gently. He really had thought for a moment that the Kira case was something worth living for but now that Higuchi was dead and Light had regained his memories (L _knew_ he had somehow regained his memories of being Kira) it suddenly wasn't enough. He simply didn't _care_ anymore. 

_'No. It isn't just that. It's my own ill-advised feelings that have brought my interest to an end. Light isn't just a suspect to me anymore. He became more than that and I can't handle it. I can't handle my feelings for him'_

It hurt to admit it, even to himself, but L refused to die with lies in his heart. He was going to be truthful. He'd written Light a letter too, and he'd told him bluntly he had fallen in love with him. He'd also told him he knew he was Kira and had gloated that he was certain his suicide would infuriate him. 

L couldn't help but hope it would also sadden him, even if only a little. It was a nice thought, being missed… 

_'Enough of this'_ L emptied the first bottle of pills into the palm of his hand and lifted them to his mouth. 

Bitter. 

He cringed against the taste but chased the pills down with a swig of cold, sugary tea. He repeated the process until all 120 pills had been consumed. 

L let out a shaky breath and smiled at the empty bottles. He'd done it and now there was nothing to do but wait. 

He crossed the room to stare out at the bright lights of Tokyo. He stared until his eyelids began to grow heavy and his vision began to blur. He felt cold. Sluggishly, L returned to the sofa and curled up on it, tugging a fluffy grey throw over his chilled body. 

He knew his organs were shutting down, the chill and pallor of his skin indicators his body was trying (in vain) to keep heat in his core where it was needed most. His limbs started to feel numb and L let out another soft sigh. 

Dying was surprisingly relaxing. He found himself wishing he was on the roof. The sky was clear tonight, he'd have been able to see the stars. 

Ah well, what was one last regret? 

L closed his eyes and, finally, he slept… 

**********************

Light awoke the next morning to his father pounding on his bedroom door. He repressed a growl of irritation and flung the duvet from him. 

He needed to move out soon. His family were cramping his style and he needed the privacy and space his own apartment would offer as he built upon his legacy as Kira. 

Light plastered a blank look on his face and opened the door. "Good morning, Dad, can I help you?" he asked politely, not an ounce of the irritation he was feeling showing in his voice. 

"Light…"

Light frowned at the strain on his father's face and straightened. Something had happened. Whether or not this something would prove useful to him remained to be seen, but he would soon find out. 

"Dad, what's wrong?" Light asked, noticing the dark shadows under his father's bloodshot eyes. _'Shit, has he been_ **_crying_ ** _?'_

"Son" Souichiro cleared his throat, clearly struggling to compose himself, "You need to come with me to HQ"

 _'They can't know I'm Kira'_ Light felt a sting of fear trickle down his spine. _'L hasn't been able to pin anything on me-'_

"It's Ryuzaki, Light, he's… "

_'He's what? What has the bastard done now?'_

"He's dead, Light"

Light's mouth dropped open of its own violation. His stomach seemed to drop to the floor and he felt a wave of _sickness_ smash through him. 

"No…" he whispered, his face utterly stricken. Light could not have faked this reaction, even with his exemplary acting skills. No, he was genuinely _numbed_ by the news. He was shell shocked! 

_'He can't be just gone! I mean… I was going to manipulate Rem into killing him. He was mine to kill! He was-'_

"How?" Light managed to croak weakly. 

"Suicide. Sleeping tablets. He's left you a letter at HQ. Watari is… devastated. He's trying to come to terms with it. The others haven't been told yet, I will tell them once I arrive back at HQ"

_'This is really happening. This is real. L is gone…'_

Light lifted a hand to his face and startled at the wetness he found there. 

_'L is gone… why am I not happy?'_


	2. A Letter to Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and Souichiro arrive at HQ. Light is left shaken at the contents of L's final letter to him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, I'm clearly a sadist who enjoys torturing myself and others, so... 
> 
> Enjoy...? 😣
> 
> (Runs off to write some fluff and cleanse her soul)

Light felt numb as he forced his legs to move. One in front of the other, carrying him to HQ. 

His father let them in and Light sucked in a breath. Would he see L? Had his body already been removed? Ryuk was oddly quiet as he skulked behind him and Light glared at the Shinigami. 

_ 'Why didn't he tell me L's time was running out?' _

"Souichiro-San, Light-Kun" Watari attempted a smile but it fell flat. Light saw tears well in the man's pale blue eyes, "Please come in and close the door. I haven't… I haven't arranged anything yet. I have laid him out and I just can't bring myself to call anyone quite yet…"

Souichiro placed a hand on the man's shoulder, his breaking voice cutting him to the quick. "I am so  _ sorry,  _ Watari-San, so very sorry"

"I just… there was just so much that even I didn't know about" Watari stubbornly rubbed at his eyes to stop the tears from falling.  _ 'No. I shouldn't say that. L's words were to me alone. If he had wanted anyone to know about it he would have told them' _

"What didn't you know?" Light asked at once, even now his curiosity refusing to be ignored. 

Watari gave Light a cool look. "Never mind. Please, come in" he stepped aside and motioned for them to enter the main office. The computers were shut down, the ghostly blue light that had always illuminated L's pale skin suddenly gone. Light found he missed that blue light. 

_ 'Just like L…' _

Light felt cold as he looked around the room. It looked empty and sterile and he realised Watari had been packing up! There wasn't the usual vast array of candy wrappers or tea cups… 

"Why are you-"

"L has chosen his heir. His work and equipment is to be transferred to them" Watari explained gruffly. Aiber and Wedy would collect the computers and ensure they were flown to Wammy's House within the day. 

_ 'His heir?' _ It was ridiculous, considering his ambitions to kill L, but Light felt hurt L hadn't picked him.  _ 'Why am I thinking such things? This heir of his is a new threat and I need to be focusing on  _ **_that_ ** _ ' _

"Can we see him?" Light asked after a moment of strained silence, "I'd like to see him. He was my friend"

Watari pursed his lips. Friend was an odd adjective to use, given L's suspicion (and feelings) towards Light Yagami. Nevertheless, he supposed there had been an element of friendship between the two young men. In one another they had found a peer, someone on their intellectual level… 

"Of course. Please follow me" Watari turned on his heel and headed towards the lifts. He hadn't the heart to move L from his suite of rooms. He'd washed his body (after weeping over it and shaking it, demanding to know how L could do this to him!) and had returned L to the sofa where he'd found him. 

Light felt his heart hammer against his ribcage as the lift brought them up to what he still considered  _ their _ room. What would L look like? Would he be peaceful? Would his skin look sallow and sunken? 

It was easy to write a name down. It kept death at arms length but this was personal now. He was going to see  _ L _ dead. The thought sent a shiver rippling down his spine.  _ 'It doesn't seem real. It won't be real until I see him and read that letter. I have to understand why he's done this' _

But then he was outside the room and Watari was opening the door and… L was just lying there. Light felt his breath catch in his throat and leaned forward, half expecting L to suddenly sit up and give him an infuriating  _ smirk _ as if to say  _ 'Ha! Got you' _

That didn't happen, however. As Light's feet drew him closer, L remained silent and still on the sofa. His eyes were closed and he looked strangely peaceful and almost… innocent. 

Light licked his lips, his throat constricting at the sight of that dark hair pooling around L's pale face. He'd never really considered L's looks before (well, other than to judge him  _ strange _ ) but now he could see there was an unusual beauty to L. He looked tranquil, lying there, and it was quite jarring. Even when L had been still before those ever watchful eyes had always been sharp and alert. Now they had closed forever, finally giving up their task of constant surveillance. 

_ 'His cheekbones are too pronounced and his nose is sharp. Why did I never really notice that before? It's… those imperfections suit him. Why am I only now realising there's a beauty to him when I saw nothing but eccentric weirdo before?' _

Souichiro bowed his head and Light followed suit. Silence weighed heavily upon them, only broken by soft, heavy footfalls as Watari walked away and quietly closed the door. 

"I…" Light searched for something to say, but, for the first time in his memory, came up short. What was there to say? What could anyone possibly say in a situation as surreal as this. The cold and untouchable Ryuzaki had taken his own life. 

"Huh. He looks peaceful. Guess he was happy to die? I've seen that look on humans before. Bet you're pissed off, huh, Light? He bet you to it!"

Light had nearly forgotten Ryuk and flinched at the Shinigami's ugly rasp. He flicked his eyes to Ryuk in irritation. _'Useless Shinigami. Acting philosophical now is a waste of time. And that goes for me as well. So what if he isn't as ugly as I believed him to be. He's still dead. He still took his own life and_ ** _left_** **_me._** _How dare he do that?!'_

"I know you and Ryuzaki had your differences but… " Souichiro sighed, "He respected you and I know you respected him too. We all did. I need to go and inform the others. Would you like some time alone with L? The letter he left you is on the coffee table"

Light bit his lip. He'd spotted the letter almost as soon as he'd entered the room. He was itching to open it and see what L had written but he wanted to be alone when he did. 

"Yes please" Light murmured, sinking to his knees and picking up L's hand. It was cold. Icy cold. The blue veins looked prominent and Light could even detect the early stages of mottling as L's blood settled uselessly in his body. 

"Of course" Souichiro cleared his throat, not sure how best to comfort Light. He left Light to his grief and quietly closed the door behind him. He'd talk to his son later, right now he needed to break the news to the Task Force… 

Once he was alone, Light leaned forward and rested his forehead against L's. 

"It wasn't supposed to end this way" he breathed the words onto L's cold skin, "L" he whispered. Was that his real name? Would he ever find out?

He stared at L's eyelashes. They were long as they lay in shadowy arcs on pale skin. They looked delicate. Soft. 

Two adjectives he'd  _ never _ thought he'd use to describe Ryuzaki. 

_ 'This is getting to me. I need to stop staring at him. He isn't there. It's just a shell. He's gone. Get up and go and read the letter' _ Light commanded himself, tearing his eyes from L's still features. He released L's hand and it dropped listlessly back to rest on L's chest like a ragdolls limb. 

"So, Light, I expected you to gloat a bit more" Ryuk flapped over to his side, leering at him to get a reaction. 

L grit his teeth.  _ 'Cameras, you idiot' _ he picked up the letter and sat down on a chair opposite L to read it. 

_ "Light,  _

_ I suppose I could start this letter with the cliche, if you're reading this letter then it means I am dead…  _

_ Well, I  _ **_am_ ** _ dead, and you're reading it so maybe it isn't entirely a cliche?  _

_ I'm writing this to you to give you  _ **_some_ ** _ of the answers you're undoubtedly seeking. I've probably completely thrown you with my actions, haven't I?  _

_ I have wanted to die for a  _ **_long_ ** _ time. Long before I met you and took on the Kira case, and that is all you get to know about my motives (and never assume I killed myself because I felt I would lose to you, Light. I killed myself because I was ready to do so)  _

_ You see, I've spent many years preparing and planning for my death and writing this letter feels extremely cathartic for me because it is happening soon. It's probably irritating, isn't it, not knowing all the answers? That's too bad. I'll be taking my reasons to the grave with me. The only thing I will tell you is that from a very young age I did not want to be alive. I have always actively pursued what I wanted, hence, my current deceased state.  _

_ I will forever be a puzzle you cannot solve. There's comfort and amusement in that for me, Light, I confess. You're probably scowling at this page, aren't you? I always did enjoy seeing you scowl, you know. You have little lines around your eyes that serve as the slightest imperfection and it reminds me that you are, infact, human. Your beauty is only skin deep afterall.  _

_ Moving on, I must also confess I have feelings for you. Somehow I have fallen in love with you. I did not expect something like that to ever happen and yet it did. When you were innocent of your memories as Kira you were someone I fell in love with so easily even I wasn't aware of it until it was too late. However, even as I write this, I love you still and you are Kira once again. Light and Kira are one and the same and they always will be. I love them both.  _

_ I've never claimed to fully understand the human heart or complex emotions like love and I never will, but I believe I owe it to you to tell you of the feelings I have, no, had, for you. Do what you will with this knowledge, it cannot be used against me now, can it?  _

_ I will take the opportunity to warn you that the path you've chosen will not lead to glory or happiness. You will not achieve your vision because you wield the power of the Death Note like a child wielding a toy sword. You don't understand the concept nor the responsibility of power because you are a  _ **_child_ ** _. You have no right to decide who is worthy of death. You have no right to judge anyone and you are  _ **_not_ ** _ a god.  _

_ You are just a bored, brilliant teenager who thinks too much and sees the world far too clearly. You see the flaws and imperfections everyone else seems to gloss over.  _

_ I know how tiring that is, I really do. There's bliss in ignorance, isn't there, Light? But we can't be ignorant to the decay all around us. And we have both suffered for it. Genius is both a blessing and a curse, Watari told me that when I was a little boy, and I think it's appropriate given your capabilities to share that with you.  _

_ I understand you, Light, and I have often wondered what would have become of you had you not begun your pointless crusade to cleanse the world of evil (fun fact: evil is a point of view. The binaries of good' and 'bad' people are flawed at best, ridiculous at worst)  _

_ I thought long and hard about it and this is what I've come up with: I think you would have followed your father's footsteps and become a talented but  _ **_bored_ ** _ Police officer, perhaps even the Chief of Police. You would be jaded and you would suffocate under society's demands on you, yet you would comply nonetheless to save face. You would marry a woman you are incapable of loving and you would have children that you also could not love. Your career would flourish and yet you would feel empty. Nothing could fill the void inside of you and, as the years crept by, your boredom and disappointment in life would manifest dramatically (you always are so dramatic!)  _

_ And then I think one day you would have snapped and ended up taking your own life too, because there is a darkness in you, Light, and it is one I recognize. You are tired, just like I am.  _

_ I cannot claim to know what your fate will be, those are only my thoughts on how your life could have been otherwise. I did tell you nothing I say makes sense, didn't I?  _

_ Or maybe it does. I don't know.  _

_ I'm tired of knowing everything. Is there an afterlife? I don't believe there is, but on the slim off chance there is and that I am incorrect, I will spend my time waiting for you to finish this conversation.  _

_ If there is an afterlife I would allow you to complete the puzzle and I would do it with the purest of intentions: to make you happy.  _

_ Speaking of which, I am not sorry if you feel 'robbed' of my death. My death was always mine to decide, Light Yagami, but I ask you this: Who decides yours?  _

_ Yours eternally,  _

_ L Lawliet _

_ (P.S, Yes, that is my real name. Apologies for keeping it a secret so long but it was sort of necessary. Consider it a parting gift!)  _

Light gasped with wet laughter, tears running down his face as he carefully folded the precious letter in half and placed it in his pocket. 

He gazed at L's serene face and felt feelings entirely unexpected well up within him, deep, honest and true:

_ Respect _ . 

_ Fondness.  _

_ Sadness.  _

_ Love…  _

_ 'You played the game your way, L Lawliet, and you've won, haven't you? You are at peace but with your death and this letter… you've  _ **_shattered_ ** _ me!' _

Light clutched at his hair as L's mocking, truthful words ran through his mind and, for the first time since he'd picked up the Death Note, self doubt flooded through him. 

What if L was right? What if he was doomed to nothing but emptiness and failure? 

Light turned to Ryuk and found himself staring into two menacing, bulbous eyes. He found himself staring at his own death… 


	3. Signs and Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light tries to get hold of L's final letter to Watari but learns that just because his rival is dead it does not mean the game between them is over just yet...

It was the worst pain he had ever had to endure, but Watari watched them take L's body away with stone-faced stoicism.

The Task Force knew, the computers were well on their way to England, the sun was setting and now he was alone. 

L was to be buried in an unmarked grave in the local cemetery, as was his wishes. Perhaps, if he was fortunate, Watari would join him soon. 

_ 'No. I cannot think like that. There is still work to do' _

Light and his father had returned home and Watari needed to use the solitude to his advantage. He slowly closed the blinds and walked towards his office. The Shinigami Rem was lingering and Watari lifted two tired, bloodshot eyes to it. 

"You knew he was going to die, did you not?"

"Yes, I knew" Rem answered, feeling oddly compelled to answer the grieving old man. 

"You know Light Yagami is Kira and  _ I _ know it is only a matter of time before you kill me to protect Misa Amane who  _ is _ the second Kira, correct?"

Rem's single golden eye narrowed. The human was sharp, she'd give him that. 

"I ask that you give me a month, no more, no less. I am aware you could simply write my name down now and be done with it, but I will not be sharing my information with anyone should you decide not to do this. Tomorrow I will formally disband the Task Force and return to England. My knowledge of Misa Amane and Light Yagami will go with me. Give me the time to mourn L's passing and prepare for my own or I assure you I  _ will _ find a way to implicate them both, and I will do it within forty seconds"

He was bluffing, of course, but the Shinigami didn't need to know that. He was simply trying to buy some time to get to Near and tell him what he knew before his death. 

Because he knew  **that** was close. Where L went, he followed and he was ready for it. 

"I can write your name down now and specify you will die in one months time  _ if _ you relinquish ownership of the Death Note in your possession and keep your knowledge of Misa Amane to yourself" Rem said slowly. She was aware of Light's plans for her. At least this way she wouldn't end up sacrificing herself (and even worse, aiding Light Yagami) and she could continue to watch over Misa. She had a feeling she'd need watching over. 

Watari smiled grimly.  _ 'Kira can manipulate the time of his victims death and it seems gods of death…Well, I can manipulate gods of death too. You may take the Death Note, Near will be aware of their existence anyway, the information is already on its way to him' _

"Very well" Watari dipped his head, "We have a deal"

Rem wrote down Watari's name and, in a moment of surprising kindness, added that he would die painlessly in his sleep. 

**Quillish Wammy,**

**Will die precisely 1 month from the time these words are written on 30-11-2004. He will die painlessly in his sleep from a heart attack.**

Watari nodded his head in satisfaction. "I relinquish ownership of the Death Note"

He blinked, confused as the air before him seemed to shimmer and Watari shook his head to clear it. It was obviously the stress getting to him. 

He turned on his heel and strode towards his cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of fine malt whiskey and a crystal tumbler. He rarely indulged in alcohol, having always seen the merit in keeping a clear head, but there was no point in that right now. 

L was  _ gone _ and that was reason enough for him to knock a whiskey straight down. It burned all the way to his stomach and Watari slumped into his chair. 

He sensed he wouldn't be long for this world and smiled grimly, re-filling his glass. 

_ 'Good' _

Watari downed the second drink before he opened his laptop and read the memo he had written to himself. It was in jumbled up code, but Watari deciphered it in seconds. 

**'Make a deal with Shinigami Rem. Death in 1 month from today. Information to N RE Death Note'**

"Ah yes, a month" Watari sighed, tipping his head back to rest against cool leather. "A month without you, L, how will I survive it?"

The ghost of L's laughter, his true, slightly mocking yet innocent laugh, rang through Watari's mind. 

He smiled tearfully and refilled his glass. He needed a drink if he was going to re-read L's letter. He had to re-read it, even though it was torture to do it because he was still coming to terms with the enormity of what L had said and done. 

_ "Mr Wammy, Quillish, my dearest friend and father,  _

_ I am so deeply sorry to have to write this letter to you. I've written countless others over the years, knowing one of them would be the final one, and this is it.  _

_ The hardest part of all of this is knowing I will be leaving you. It isn't something I've done lightly, I've been building up to this moment for years and I want you to know this is not your fault. Please, don't feel any blame or guilt, there are things I didn't tell you and you couldn't have known. There were no signs you missed, Watari, because I gave you none. _

_ Before I go into all of that I just want to thank you for everything you've done for me. Without you I would still be a filthy, underfed child languishing in foster care. You gave me a life when you brought me to Wammy's House, and I can never repay you for that. I want you to know that I love you. I never said it enough to you but it is true. You were my dearest friend and my father, and the only sadness I feel regarding my decision is knowing it will mean we must part.  _

_ I never told you about the abuse I suffered as a child but I suspect you knew something of it. My earliest memory is of poking at my mother's eyes and crying that she wouldn't blink or wake up. She overdosed on Heroin. She wasn't a good mother to me but I loved her all the same. She sold me to her 'friends', she let them touch me and kiss me when I was just five years old. I can never reconcile with the shame and horror I feel because of that. I tried to fight back once and got a black eye and a broken wrist for my trouble.  _ **_You_ ** _ saved me from that, thank you, Watari.  _

_ I think some people just have too much to deal with. Life gives them nothing but shit from their first breath until their last. Perhaps that sounds a tad over dramatic and cynical, but it is how I feel about my own life. It's not always been shit, I've achieved many great things but there has always been an undercurrent of sadness I could never erase.  _

_ By the time I was 13 I knew one day I was going to take my own life. I wanted the nightmares to stop, you see, but they never did.  _

_ Do you know why I always frowned on you smoking around me? I still remember how a cigarette feels pressed against my skin. I remember too much, really, given my age. I know yourself and Roger marked my childhood as 'traumatic' (I read my file, obviously) but you have no idea how traumatic it really was. I wish I could tell you everything but time will not allow it.  _

_ I have tried to be strong and overcome it many times (mostly for your own sake) Remember Guatemala? I was in a good place there. I actually believed I had hope for the future, and at one point even wondered if it would come to suicide after all… But then the sadness returned again and it went deeper. No case could overcome it. Everything began unraveling quicker then.  _

_ Killing myself has always been my fate, I genuinely believe that, and nothing could have prevented it. However, there are also two things I need to tell you which have consequences on my decision.  _

_ I've fallen in love with Kira and Kira is Light Yagami. Leave Japan as soon as possible and return home, Watari, you are not safe at HQ. I am certain Light plans to manipulate the Shinigami Rem into finding out my, and possibly your, real name.  _

_ I'm sorry if you are disappointed in me for loving him. It wasn't something I ever envisioned happening and I knew, in the end, my choice would be to continue until he killed me or take that power and control for myself and deprive him of it.  _

_ Naturally, I chose the latter option. _

_ Please return to England and pass on all Intel to N. He will be responsible for bringing Light Yagami to justice now.  _

_ I pray you find the strength you need to endure my loss and find meaning in your life again. There is a beauty in the world you always seemed capable of seeing. Please see it again, for me?  _

_ Once you have read this burn it. _

_ All my love,  _

_ L" _

"I'm sorry" Watari held a hand over his mouth as sobs spilled out. "I'm so sorry I failed you, L. You hid this from me but I should have seen it. I should have saved you"

He broke down in tears, his shaking hand failing in its task to keep his sobs at bay. Eventually, however, his grief turned to anger and he wiped at his eyes. 

He was wasting time, and he didn't have a lot of it left. He didn't have the time to be sitting crying. He still had orders to complete from L. 

He would book a flight, get to England and ensure Light Yagami was brought to justice. It was the only thing he could do that would mean something before he joined L.

Watari placed the letter on a metal tray and reached for his lighter...

********************

Being at home made everything seem worse for Light. He couldn't settle, and he couldn't stand the gentle treatment of his parents as they tried to help him 'mourn'.

He locked himself in his room and paced for hours,his mind working overtime as he thought back to every interaction he'd had with L.

What signs had he missed? L had always been so damn guarded all the time and it had been impossible to know what the man had been thinking, even for him.

_ 'He was clearly in a lot of pain to want to die for as long as he did. And he kept it to himself, all this time…' _

Light sat down at his desk and buried his head in his hands. He couldn't deny he wasn't upset because it felt like the foundations he'd been standing on had been ripped out from under his feet. In such a short time L had become the very center of his world. He'd been his antagonist, his rival, his motivator and...maybe even his friend.

_ 'And he loved me…' _

Light felt a sick feeling twist deep inside him at the thought. During one of their spats he'd thrown L's seeming inability to feel normal emotions in his face. It had been when L proposed waiting to see if the names written down by Higuchi and Yotsuba actually led to deaths.

_ "Do you actually feel  _ **_anything_ ** _ , Ryuzaki? Or are you just a machine with no heart?"  _ Light had yelled at the Detective, appalled at his motive. 

_ "Actually, Light-Kun, it is the opposite. I feel  _ **_too_ ** _ much" _ L had responded in that deadpan, emotionless way of his before looping off into Watari's office.

_ 'And he did feel too much for too long' _ Light sighed, shoulders slumping. Suddenly his dreams for the future didn't seem so bright. In his final letter L had warned him he would fail but Light knew L well enough to suspect even with his death L had had a contingency plan.

"He wrote Watari a letter too…" Light whispered, turning to Ryuk with a calculating gleam in his eyes.  _ 'I need to know what it said. It might contain directives for the Kira case as well as more information about why he ended his life. But how to get Ryuk to agree to get it for me?' _

"Say, Ryuk, have you ever tried those rare black apples they have at the market? they're not like the ones in the Shinigami Realm you've spoken about. These ones are really juicy" Light asked conversationally.

The Shinigami, who'd been lounging on his bed, immediately sat up and shook his head. "No! Are you gonna get me some? I want to try them!"

Light smiled. Ryuk could be so easy to manipulate at times! "Here's the deal. I will buy you some  _ if _ you go to HQ and bring me a letter L wrote to Watari. It will probably be in his safe or desk and it is the  _ last _ letter he wrote. Bring me that and in the morning we will go get your apples"

Ryuk considered. It wasn't like he was opposed to assisting Light in his little schemes but he was always careful to be impartial as well. He wasn't about to lose his life like that idiot Gelus. 

But the thought of those sweet, black apples...

"Alright. I'll get that letter but I will have to return it as soon as you've read it" Ryuk agreed. He couldn't steal from humans, per se, so he'd just 'borrow' the letter for an hour or so.

Light smiled, excitement and trepidation coursing through him. He had a feeling L would have been more candid in his explanation of his actions to Watari.  _ 'And I know he wouldn't just leave the case up in the air. Even with his death he has plans in place. He has an heir. I need to know who that is and eliminate them before they become a threat to me' _

Unfortunately, Light would discover within the hour that L Lawliet left  _ nothing _ to chance. His final letter had been diligently destroyed, Watari had abandoned HQ and left for England and so Light would not find out about N or L's plan until it was too late.

"Bastard!" Light seethed, his eyes filling with frustrated tears. "Even now you're still playing games with me! It will never be over, will it, L?"

Light looked up at the night sky and glared at the full moon and the scattering of stars twinkling in the darkness. L had once said he enjoyed looking up at the night sky…

A crashing sense of loneliness overcame him and Light lifted a hand to his mouth. His shoulders began to shake as, for the first time in over 6 years, he broke down and began to cry...


End file.
